It can be really hard to know how to go about finding and choosing a donor. There are so many different things to weigh up, some practical or financial and some more personal in terms of what feels like a good match for you. Some things are covered in the previous section, but here we go into a bit more detail.
Most clinics, whether in the UK or abroad, will try to match you with a donor of a similar physical type to try to make sure mum and child look like they ‘belong’ together and the child ‘fits’ the family. Of course, genetics don’t work in quite the straightforward way that we might hope and children who are fully genetically related can still look very different to their parents, perhaps throwing up something from a previous generation. The same is obviously true when using a donor so don’t expect that your child will definitely look a particular way if you choose a particular donor.
Looking for a donor with a certain physical attribute or ethnic background can sometimes cause a problem if there aren’t donors available. It can be a reason why people end up going to another country, where there are more donors that are a good physical match.
Aside from general looks, prospective parents may also have other criteria that are important to them. Sometimes they are looking for someone with a shared heritage or religion or perhaps someone with a particular educational level or medical history. Often prospective parents want to feel a connection to the donor, perhaps looking for interests and hobbies that match their own. For others, it may be proven fertility that is required – someone who has definitely been able to have a child, either to build their own family or through their previous donations.
It can be a real struggle if you’re offered a donor who doesn’t meet criteria that feel important to you. And often balancing where you want to have treatment and finding a good donor match becomes an impossible task. It’s not unusual to end up having to compromise on one or the other. It’s a tricky situation that many DC Network members have found themselves in and talking to other members can really help you work out how to move forward.
The terminology around different kinds of donors can be very confusing. This is a list of the main terms to try to help.
Anonymous donors: these donors have been promised that the recipients and any offspring will never be given their identifying information. This is no longer allowed in the UK, but is an option in the USA and the rule in many other countries (including Spain, for example).
Identity release (ID Release) donors: these donors are anonymous to parents when having treatment, but they have agreed that identifying details can be shared with offspring at a certain age (often 18, but younger in some countries). It’s important to note here that this information does not guarantee that your child will definitely be able to make contact in the future, as the donor may have moved or even no longer be alive. And there’s no guarantee that they will be available or willing to meet your child. We hope they will, but it’s not certain.
Known donors: a known donor might be a friend or family member or someone you’ve met with the express intention of being a donor (for example online).
You can take a known donor to a clinic so treatment takes place there and you, the donor and the child, are all protected legally. With a known sperm donor, it’s also possible to self-inseminate at home. If you’re thinking of this option it’s really important to get legal advice and have some kind of agreement drawn up clarifying the rights and responsibilities of all parties. Although this might not be legally binding it at least provides a written document stating the original intention.
We would also recommend getting good counselling to make sure all parties have thought through the implications and possible scenarios you might face in the future. This is a lifelong commitment and feelings can change dramatically once a child is born or as personal situations change. And, of course, children themselves may have views and opinions as they grow up that will have been completely unknown when the agreement was drawn up.
Egg-share donors: some clinics will offer people having IVF the chance to reduce their fees if they share the eggs that are harvested with someone else needing donor eggs. This would only be where the reason for using IVF is not connected with egg quality (for example a young lesbian couple might be using IVF and donor sperm).
Sperm-share donors: in the same way as egg-share donors, some clinics will offer people having IVF the chance to reduce their fees if they share sperm with another patient. This would only be where the reason for using IVF is not connected with sperm quality (for example a couple might be using IVF and donor eggs due to premature ovarian insufficiency).
Altruistic donors: this is the term generally used for egg donors, but potentially also for sperm donors, who come forward to donate and are not going through any fertility treatment themselves. These donors usually just get paid a small fee to cover expenses and perhaps some compensation for their time.
Embryo donors UK: in the UK the term embryo donation is used for embryos that have been created for a couple or individual who isn’t going to use them. Perhaps they have completed their family but still have embryos in storage that they decide to donate. The implications of this are that there will be full siblings growing up in another family which makes it a little different to just sperm or egg donation. If the original family didn’t use a donor then they will also be the genetic parents of any children born. For some people, the fact that the embryos already exist can feel like a very positive decision and positive story to tell a child.
Embryo donors non-UK: In some non-UK clinics embryos may be created from surplus eggs and sperm from separate people who are unconnected. This might also be called embryo donation but isn’t quite the same, as the embryos were created for the purpose of being used by a third party.
There are so many choices around the donor and you might have lots of criteria that are relevant and important to you. We can help with thinking through how to weigh up the different elements, what’s available, what compromises might be worth making and what you need to hold on to no matter what in order to feel comfortable with your decision.
If you’re thinking of using a known donor we have some information specifically around that choice ‘Closer Connections’ as well as sections in our Telling and Talking booklets. We also have lots of members in that situation, offering support and guidance.
This is such an important decision. Take your time. Get support. Explore your options. And then, once the decision is made, welcome and celebrate whatever child arrives.
If you’re thinking about using a known or familial donor, we recommend reading our FREE download, ‘Closer Connections’.
Written by longstanding member and workshops manager Jane Ellis, this guide is a great starting point and provides food for thought for both the intended recipient and the donor in a known donor scenario.
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