There’s a lot to think about when you’re wondering about choosing to become a solo mum through donor conception. Going it alone can feel daunting, plus there are lots of big decisions to make along the way. Here we map out some of what you might be feeling and considering, along with suggestions on what can help.
Most single women, although not all, had planned to have a family with a partner. Becoming a solo mum is not what they imagined for their life and this can add to the complexity of making the decision on whether to move forward or not.
Women who have already decided to try with donor sperm and then discover they may also need to use donor eggs sometimes have to reconsider their decision to become a parent. Losing that genetic connection completely can bring up deep feelings of sadness and grief. If that’s true for you, it’s really important to allow yourself space to process those feelings before moving forward.
There are important decisions to make which really isn’t easy when you’re also managing those complicated feelings. Give yourself time and make sure you get good support. And try not to rush things.
Choosing to become a solo mum through donor conception isn’t the same as being a single mother after separating from a partner and it’s important to clarify the differences. Going it alone makes it a positive choice you’re making, with your eyes open, rather than finding yourself alone when you’d planned to be a couple. It means you can make all the decisions yourself without having to negotiate with an ex-partner, with whom you may not have an easy relationship. It provides a route to parenthood that may otherwise not be an option for you.
On the other hand, you will be shouldering all the work and costs of raising a child on your own. You won’t have someone to share the decisions with (although friends and family can often help). You won’t have the extended family through your partner, who potentially might also offer support to you and your child. Doing everything on your own is hard. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, but it’s worth making sure you’ve really thought about how you’ll manage things.
Our Destination Parenthood workshop is designed to help you to think through sperm or double donation and share your hopes and fears in a supportive space with other women who are at a similar stage on their fertility journey. It is hosted by experienced facilitators who are also solo mums to donor conceived children.
Aside from the emotional journey, there are also specific, practical things to think about:
Where will you have treatment – what country and which clinic?
If you’re using sperm donation only, will you use a clinic at all?
What kind of donor will you use – someone known to you or a donor recruited through a clinic or sperm bank?
What personal or physical qualities are you looking for in a donor?
What time frame do you have for your treatment and how much money do you have?
How much energy do you have?
At what point might you have to say, “Stop”?
These are not simple questions to answer but it’s really important to explore your thoughts and concerns, so that you can also allow yourself the opportunity to consider the potential joy and excitement. Take advantage of any implications counselling sessions that you’re offered as this can be really helpful. We know from feedback that our Destination Parenthood workshops can be particularly transformative too. This is possibly the biggest decision you’re going to make in your life so make sure you carve out time to think things through.
If you’re finding the decision-making process emotional and complicated, that’s very normal. Speaking with other members who have been down a similar road can really help.
