Thinking through egg, sperm and embryo donation 

For women, hearing the news that you’re not going to be able to make a baby with the man you love can feel a real shock. Fertility treatment of any kind can be a challenge, of course, but the added layer of needing a donor can tip the scales even further. Supporting a partner through a diagnosis of infertility can be tough. The emotions involved can put a real stress on a relationship and it can be hard for women to know how to be supportive. As the fertile partner, it can be easy to dismiss the impact of a diagnosis on a man and his sense of identity. It can be really helpful to speak to other women who have been through this with their partners and come out the other side. Hearing how that journey progressed, with its ups and downs, can be so helpful.

Egg donation

In some ways the issues for couples considering egg donation are very similar to sperm donation, but reversed. For men, there is the sadness of facing the loss of fertility of a partner and supporting them through that. This wasn’t what you expected. When you’d been thinking of having a family, you’d assumed it would be with the genes of the woman you love and it can be hard to envisage who this egg donor might be. Supporting a partner through this can prove really challenging for couples and it can be really important to keep communications channels open. Men and women often process things differently so it’s worth bearing that in mind.

Egg donation can raise separate questions for women, sometimes around fears of not bonding and whether they will feel like a ‘real’ mum. The fact that most women will still be able to carry the child as well as contribute to its development and well being through their diet and other personal decisions during pregnancy can help encourage that sense of bonding.

For many women, the drive to have a baby can be overwhelming. You may be experiencing a strong urge to move forward and get pregnant, pushing aside difficult questions and making quick decisions. Make sure you’ve had time to process your feelings as much as you can and try not to rush ahead with treatment before you’re ready.

Double donation and embryo donation

Some couples discover that both of them have fertility issues that mean they are going to need to use both egg and sperm donation – double donation. Losing all genetic links to a child in the family can feel like another step away from what you had wanted. But there can also be a sense of equality in the relationship, with neither of you being genetically connected to any children born.

Of course, it does mean finding and choosing two donors and that can sometimes add to the timeframe for treatment and the emotional complexity of deciding on the route forward. For some people, they may have already considered using one donor (sperm or egg) and losing the genetic connection on that side of the family. By the time they are presented with the idea of double donation as their best route to a successful pregnancy some couples may find the next step easier, whereas others may find it a step too far.

We tend to use embryo donation to refer to the donation of an embryo that was created by another family, rather than an embryo created by a clinic from two separate donors. The implications are a little different to double donation from two separate donors. With embryo donation there are likely to be full genetic siblings growing up in another family, the family that donated the embryos they weren’t planning to use. And those parents may well be the full genetic parents of the donated embryo.

This can feel like a positive option for both the donating family, as they don’t have to discard those embryos, and the recipient family who are receiving an embryo that already exists and would otherwise be discarded. Another positive for some people would be the fact that there are unlikely to be large sibling groups and the story for the child is more contained than it would be if there were two completely separate donors.

These decisions are incredibly personal and the final decisions and choices will vary from couple to couple. The important thing is to have space and time to think things through and process the emotions that come up so that you can move forward confidently.

Common concerns

“Will I bond with a child that’s not ‘mine’?”

It’s not unusual to be anxious around bonding. But we know that step-parents and adoptive parents can feel a deep sense of connection to their children. There’s no reason why parents wouldn’t love a child they’ve chosen to create, albeit with help – as thousands of donor conception families can testify. The baby will be one you and your partner have thought about, decided on, and who would not exist without that intention.

Having said that, resolving any underlying feelings of anger, grief and sadness at not being able to use your own sperm or eggs will really help. You need to allow yourself time to let go of the child you had hoped for but which cannot be, before you can start to allow yourself to consider and welcome the child that could be.

“Will I love this child?”

Loving the child you can have does not mean that there are never any feelings of sadness at times for the child it was not possible to have. This is very normal and does not mean that you feel any less love for the child or children you do have.

“You’re not my real mum/dad!”

This sentence, coming from a child, is the fear that haunts many donor conception mums and dads. In practice it doesn’t happen very often but when it does it’s good to be prepared. As part of their healthy development, children and particularly teenagers try to understand the world by testing boundaries. Being clear and truthful, as well as resisting the push against boundaries, is the job of parents. There are many aspects of being a parent. One is obviously the genetic one. But the active role of parenting, providing a home, love, care and attention, is a huge component. And on a day-to-day basis these activities are the ones that matter.

You might want to have a look at the ‘Making your decision’ section too, as this explores more about the feelings that can come up and the different ways that men and women might deal with things.

And, of course, have a look at our membership services and Destination Parenthood workshops to connect with others and get support. It’s what we’re here for, after all.