We know that the prospect of telling your child that they’re donor conceived can feel daunting to some people. Telling friends and family that you‘ve used donor conception may also make you feel uncomfortable. If you’re considering how to explain things to your children and others, you’ve come to the right place.
As a charity, we were founded on a principle of openness at a time when secrecy was the norm. But just because there are good reasons to be open doesn’t mean it’s easy. One of the reasons the DCN was set up as a membership community was to provide resources and services to build parental confidence in telling their family story.
Some people are comfortable talking about very personal, private things. Others would rather keep it to just a very small circle of close, trusted friends or family members. We know this can take time and we don’t want people to feel under pressure. Each family will be different in how they approach the issue and when, but there are some common themes that we know come up a lot.
Being open – reasons to tell
We have some principles which guide us and are detailed here as a starting point. Telling children about their origins by donor conception from an early age (ideally before the age of 7):
Puts honesty at the heart of family relationships
Is respectful of donor conceived people as individuals in their own right
Ensures a true foundation for the child in terms of their genetic identity
Allows donor conceived people to make choices about their lives in terms of their connections through the donor
Allows donor conceived children to learn about aspects of their history, integrate the knowledge as they grow up and accept their story without shock or distress
Means that significant differences between a child and parent (in looks, talents etc.) can be easily explained
Means that a true medical history (or lack of it) can be given to doctors, making diagnosis and treatment of medical conditions more accurate
Removes anxiety about the inheritance of disorders from the non-genetic parent
We have older children who haven’t been told
Although we encourage parents to start telling children about donor conception when they are under five, we know that there are many families with older children – sometimes even adults themselves – who have not ‘told’ yet. We have ‘Telling and Talking’ booklets that follow different developmental stages (0-7 yrs, 8-11 yrs, 12-16 yrs and 17 yrs+) which include telling for the first time. We also offer a bespoke support service for parents of older or adult children and have lots of experience supporting parents in this situation. Do contact us in the first instance at enquiries@dcnetwork.org.
Is there a ‘right’ age to start telling?
The goal of early ‘telling’ is that a child should grow up not being able to remember a time when they didn’t know about their origins by donor conception. In practical terms this means starting the process of sharing information with your child before they reach about seven and ideally before they turn five.
This is for two reasons:
You get time to practice and work out the language you want to use before a child is really aware of what you’re telling them
Children grow up always knowing and integrating that information into their sense of who they are from the beginning
Check out the DCN ‘Our Story’ books for children and the ‘Telling and Talking’ series for parents, and consider booking one of our ‘Telling and Talking’ workshops to join others at a similar stage. This gives you a dedicated and facilitated space to explore how to approach things.
And don’t forget that through membership you can connect with the hundreds of other families who are considering these issues. Speaking with other parents who have done this and can offer guidance and experience to others can really help build confidence.
We’re not sure about telling our child
Perhaps you’re actually not planning to ‘tell’ or aren’t sure if it’s the right thing for your situation. If you would like a space to talk through what not telling or telling might feel like (without pressure to change your mind) we can offer that space. Give us a ring or drop us an email.
Are there any circumstances where ‘not telling’ is the right thing to do?
DC Network is committed to the principle of openness for all children. However, we respect that families need to do this in their own time and some may do it much later than others. There are also situations where parents may want to delay things, for example if a child has severe developmental delay or learning difficulties parents will need to take into account the needs of their particular child when deciding when and how to tell.
In communities where donor conception is absolutely disapproved of, parents may first need to consider whether donor conception is actually going to be right for them. Ideally, you want a child to feel neutral or proud of who they are and how they were made and obviously this is difficult if they either don’t know or are expressly told to keep it secret. In this sort of situation, delaying telling until a child is old enough to understand that this information needs to be kept private might be a strategy.
What sort of reaction should we expect?
What matters most to young children is that they have a loving and secure relationship with their parents. They don’t care about genetic connections at that age and are more interested in what’s for tea.
Children over seven have a better understanding and may start asking questions or trying to work out the significance and meaning of what you’ve explained. How they receive the news is likely to depend as much on how you feel about it and how you go about telling them (the context and tone, for example) as on their own personality, developmental stage and general way of dealing with things. This is why preparation and building your own confidence is so important.
Mixed families – what if we have children with different beginnings?
At DC Network we have lots of families where not all the children are donor conceived. Sometimes there are adopted children or step-children from a partner’s previous relationship. An increasing number of families have one child conceived without using a donor but then need egg donation to have a second or subsequent child. This is what we call a ‘mixed’ family. Occasionally, it’s the other way round and families have a donor conceived child and then manage to conceive again naturally (often somewhat unexpectedly!).
Talking about ‘difference’ is part of life for donor conception families and so including this additional difference follows similar principles. Making sure information is clear, age-appropriate and provides a positive family story is key. We have some specific resources for mixed families: connections with other families through membership and reading ‘Mixed Blessings’, one of our Telling and Talking booklets.
