Telling and talking

Finding the language to talk about how your family was made, and giving your child language to explain things too, is an important part of having created a family in a different way.

As two men, it will be obvious that you needed some other person to help create your child so keeping things secret isn’t really an option. You’re likely to be asked questions, and so it’s a good idea to discuss with your partner just how much you’re prepared to share and with whom. People are naturally curious and it’s not uncommon for people to overstep the mark, without meaning to or even realising it.

Once you mention having used an egg donor or surrogate, then whatever the family set up (gay, straight, single) other people can assume it’s fine to ask a whole range of very personal questions. You may be asked things like: What fertility treatment did you use? Did it work the first time? How much did it all cost? Whose sperm did you use? Is the egg donor a friend? Will your child be able to meet the egg donor? How much did you pay your surrogate?

You don’t need to answer all these questions, or any of these questions. You can choose who you are happy to share what information with and when. It’s worth considering and setting your boundaries and making sure you and your partner are on the same page.

What about telling the child?

Even though you won’t be able to keep things secret, telling friends and family that you‘ve used or are planning to use donor conception may make you feel uncomfortable. Similarly, the prospect of explaining to your child that they are donor conceived and answering questions around the surrogate, the egg donor or who is ‘mum’, can feel daunting.

For same-sex male couples, questions can come as soon as you announce a pregnancy. Young children will notice that other families have mums (even if the parents are separated) and your child may ask where their mummy is out of the blue. We know children can ask questions in the most unexpected (and inappropriate!) settings. Out of the blue, at the doctor’s office getting checked for asthma and perhaps talking about family medical history, your son may suddenly say, ‘So is auntie Emma not really my auntie?’.

Mixed families – what about if you have children with different beginnings?

At DC Network we have lots of families where not all the children are donor conceived. Sometimes there are adopted children or step-children from a partner’s previous relationship. This is what we call a ‘mixed’ family and we have some specific resources for mixed families – specifically, connections through membership and one of our Telling and Talking booklets. ‘Mixed Blessings’. The principles are all quite similar and we mainly stress parents getting confident and comfortable in themselves with what they are choosing and how and when they are talking about it.

Being Open

We recommend telling children about their origins by donor conception from an early age, ideally before the age of about 7. But being open is also about feeling confident answering questions from others. We have some principles which guide us and are detailed here as a starting point.

Being open – reasons to tell

We have some principles which guide us and are detailed here as a starting point. Telling children about their origins by donor conception from an early age (ideally before the age of 7):

Puts honesty at the heart of family relationships
Is respectful of donor conceived people as individuals in their own right
Ensures a true foundation for the child in terms of their genetic identity
Allows donor conceived people to make choices about their lives in terms of their connections through the donor
Allows donor conceived children to learn about aspects of their history, integrate the knowledge as they grow up and accept their story without shock or distress
Means that significant differences between a child and parent (in looks, talents etc.) can be easily explained
Means that a true medical history (or lack of it) can be given to doctors, making diagnosis and treatment of medical conditions more accurate
Removes anxiety about the inheritance of disorders from the non-genetic parent

Building confidence

As a charity, we were founded on a principle of openness at a time when secrecy was the norm. But just because it might be right doesn’t mean it’s easy. One of the reasons the DCN was set up as a membership community was to provide resources and services to support parents around how to build confidence in telling their family story and answering questions about their family, where appropriate.

Check out our story books for children and the “Telling and Talking” series for parents. And don’t forget that through membership you can connect with other couples who are considering these issues. Speaking with other parents who have done this for real and can offer guidance and experience to others can really help build confidence.

Is there a ‘right’ age to start telling?

The goal of early ‘telling’ is that a child should grow up not being able to remember a time when they didn’t know about their origins by donor conception. In practical terms this means starting the process of sharing information with your child before they reach about seven and ideally before they turn five.

This is for two reasons:

You get time to practice and work out the language you want to use before a child is really aware of what you’re telling them
Children grow up always knowing and integrating that information into their sense of who they are from the beginning

Check out the DCN ‘Our Story’ books for children and the ‘Telling and Talking’ series for parents, and consider booking one of our ‘Telling and Talking’ workshops to join others at a similar stage. This gives you a dedicated and facilitated space to explore how to approach things.

And don’t forget that through membership you can connect with the hundreds of other families who are considering these issues. Speaking with other parents who have done this and can offer guidance and experience to others can really help build confidence.

What language should we use?

Parents often worry that starting to share information with a very young child means that they will have to start talking about sex and reproduction in a way that is inappropriate for such a small person. Using the ‘building block’ approach where information is built up in very small chunks over time means that language can remain simple and sex and reproduction does not need to be addressed until a child is ready to take this on board.

What can help with the language and timing of telling?

The Telling and Talking booklet, 0-7 gives examples of language you can use with any baby or child in this age group.
The American Fertility Association has produced a very good booklet on openness and ‘telling’ for parents of children conceived by egg donation.
The Our Story books for children, contain language that parents often find valuable to use