It can be really hard to know how to go about finding and choosing both a surrogate and an egg donor. There are so many things to weigh up; legal, practical and financial, as well as more personal decisions in terms of what feels like a good match for your family. Some things are covered in the previous section, but here we go into a bit more detail.
There are various ways to find a surrogate. In the UK there are specialist surrogacy agencies which give you the benefit of working with an organisation that really understands the legal and logistical framework. This support helps you understand all the implications and get a good sense of timing, choices available, costs and legal requirements. Some people might use a surrogacy agency or clinic that offers surrogacy abroad in a country that’s set up to support surrogacy arrangements, like the US. Do make sure you’ve checked out the legal situation in the country you investigate and get proper advice before making a final decision. Alternatively, you might want to find an independent surrogate or potentially find a friend or family member willing to carry a baby for you.
Costs vary enormously depending on the kind of surrogate or organisation you choose and where you end up having treatment. The final totals are widely different (the UK will be far cheaper than the US, for example) so, unfortunately, it isn’t possible to say more than that the range could be £30,000 to £300,000+.
Finding and choosing a surrogate can be complicated and is often the thing that is top of the list for people on this route to parenthood. Some questions you might want to consider are:
What kind of surrogate are you looking for (traditional or gestational)?
Do you want to meet the surrogate and get to know her?
Do you want an on-going relationship after the child is born?
What country/legal framework do you want to be working with?
What sort of budget do you have?
This is a list of the main terms used to define different types of surrogates.
Traditional surrogacy: in this situation the surrogate is also the egg donor. This means it is not essential that treatment include IVF and could be done outside of a clinic.
Gestational surrogacy: in gestational surrogacy the egg is not the surrogate’s own egg and is either from an egg donor or the intended mother.
Straight surrogacy: this is another term for traditional surrogacy.
Because finding the surrogate is so complicated, that can often mean the egg donor gets slightly overlooked in terms of their value and importance. From the perspective of the child (and perhaps the intended parents too) the egg donor may be of equal importance and perhaps more, given that they are contributing half that child’s DNA.
All clinics, whether in the UK or abroad, will normally try to match you with a donor of a similar physical type to the non-genetic parent to try to make sure parents and child look like they ‘belong’ together and the child ‘fits’ the family. For same-sex parents there might not be quite the same need for matching physical characteristics, and you may have your own preferences.
Of course, genetics don’t work in quite the straightforward way that we might hope and children who are fully genetically related can still look very different to their parents, perhaps throwing up something from a previous generation. The same is obviously true when using a donor so don’t expect that your child will definitely look a particular way if you choose a particular donor.
If you’re looking for a donor with specific colouring or ethnic background this can sometimes cause a problem if there aren’t donors available. It can be a reason why people end up going to another country, where there are more donors that are a good physical match.
Aside from general looks, prospective parents may also have other criteria that are important to them. Sometimes they are looking for someone with a shared heritage or religion or perhaps someone with a particular educational level or medical history. Often prospective parents want to feel a connection to the donor, perhaps looking for interests and hobbies that match their own. For others, it may be proven fertility that is required – someone who has definitely been able to have a child, either to have their own family or through their previous donations.
It can be a real struggle, if you’re offered a donor who doesn’t meet criteria that feel important to you. And often balancing where you want to have treatment and finding a good donor match becomes an impossible task. It’s not unusual to end up having to compromise on one or the other. It’s a tricky situation that many DC Network members have found themselves in and talking to other members can really help you in working out how to move forward.
Ultimately, most prospective parents are hoping for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby, so try not to get too caught up in finding a ‘perfect’ match.
The terminology around different kinds of donors can be very confusing. This is a list of the main terms to try to help.
Anonymous donors: these donors have been promised that the recipients and any offspring will never be given their identifying information. This is no longer allowed in the UK, but is an option in the USA and the rule in many other countries (including Spain, for example).
Identity release (ID Release) donors: these donors are anonymous to parents when having treatment, but they have agreed that identifying details can be shared with offspring at a certain age (often 18, but younger in some countries). It’s important to note here that this information does not guarantee that your child will definitely be able to make contact in the future, as the donor may have moved or even no longer be alive. And there’s no guarantee that they will be available or willing to meet your child. We hope they will, but it’s not certain.
Known donors: a known donor might be a friend or family member or someone you’ve met with the express intention of being a donor (for example online).
You can take a known donor to a clinic so treatment takes place there and you, the donor and the child, are all protected legally. With a known sperm donor, it’s also possible to self-inseminate at home. If you’re thinking of this option it’s really important to get legal advice and have some kind of agreement drawn up clarifying the rights and responsibilities of all parties. Although this might not be legally binding it at least provides a written document stating the original intention.
We would also recommend getting good counselling to make sure all parties have thought through the implications and possible scenarios you might face in the future. This is a lifelong commitment and feelings can change dramatically once a child is born or as personal situations change. And, of course, children themselves may have views and opinions as they grow up that will have been completely unknown when the agreement was drawn up.
Egg-share donors: some clinics will offer people having IVF the chance to reduce their fees if they share the eggs that are harvested with someone else needing donor eggs. This would only be where the reason for using IVF is not connected with egg quality (for example a young lesbian couple might be using IVF and donor sperm).
Sperm-share donors: in the same way as egg-share donors, some clinics will offer people having IVF the chance to reduce their fees if they share sperm with another patient. This would only be where the reason for using IVF is not connected with sperm quality (for example a couple might be using IVF and donor eggs due to premature ovarian insufficiency).
Altruistic donors: this is the term generally used for egg donors, but potentially also for sperm donors, who come forward to donate and are not going through any fertility treatment themselves. These donors usually just get paid a small fee to cover expenses and perhaps some compensation for their time.
Embryo donors UK: in the UK the term embryo donation is used for embryos that have been created for a couple or individual who isn’t going to use them. Perhaps they have completed their family but still have embryos in storage that they decide to donate. The implications of this are that there will be full siblings growing up in another family which makes it a little different to just sperm or egg donation. If the original family didn’t use a donor then they will also be the genetic parents of any children born. For some people, the fact that the embryos already exist can feel like a very positive decision and positive story to tell a child.
Embryo donors non-UK: In some non-UK clinics embryos may be created from surplus eggs and sperm from separate people who are unconnected. This might also be called embryo donation but isn’t quite the same, as the embryos were created for the purpose of being used by a third party.
There are so many choices around the donor and you might have lots of criteria that are relevant and important to you. We can help with thinking through how to weigh up the different elements, what’s available, what compromises might be worth making and what you need to hold on to no matter what in order to feel comfortable with your decision.
If you’re thinking of using a known donor we have some information specifically around that choice ‘Closer Connections’ as well as sections in our Telling and Talking booklets. We also have other members in that situation, offering support and guidance.
This is such an important decision. Take your time. Get support. Explore your options. And then, once the decision is made, welcome and celebrate whatever child arrives.
If you’re thinking about using a known or familial donor, we recommend reading our FREE download, ‘Closer Connections’.
Written by longstanding member and workshops manager Jane Ellis, this guide is a great starting point and provides food for thought for both the intended recipient and the donor in a known donor scenario.
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